Teacher Logan
by Mei Zhen
Summary: Wolverine, ready for anything? He whooped Sinister's butt, whacked Magneto. Fought against anything, basically. But what happens when his biggest problems are his pupils at school?
1. A Bald Head and It's my Fault

A/N: Just a short 'warning': This story doesn't have an end... I think. I will finish it when I am sure I can't come up with any more situations that will virtually drive Wolverine nuts. LOL.  
  
Now the Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters is crowded with people. That means that if the X-Men are the teachers, they must also be tutors. And what happens when Wolverine- that has fought against Magneto, defeated Death, whooped Apocalypse's ass- meets the most dangerous thing in his life? Teen girls!  
  
The story will spin around Wolverine, not the girls. The girls are just there to drive him nuts. LOL. Everyone is invited to join Wolvie's pupils in a funny self-insertion (just post a review)... only it will be me who writes it. LOL. :) What we want here is to have fun! And on with it already! Enjoy!!!  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
XAVIER'S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS  
  
TUTOR DOCUMENT  
  
TUTORIAL DIARIES OF: LOGAN, Logan  
  
PUPIL: MULDER, Karen  
  
Chuck, this time you really did surpass yourself. The prissy classrooms, fine. Having me teaching History- with the excuse that I 'have been in most of it' (Ha, ha-very funny. I'm not THAT old!), fine. Me being a tutor... wrong. I knew it would be wrong when you first told me about it. And if that wasn't enough I am stuck with the biggest problems you have under your roof.  
  
I think you examine the students and think: It's sane? Send it to Jean. Sex-crazed feminist? Send it to Emma. Depressive and a bit schizophrenic? To Rogue. Happy-go-lucky and heckover noisy? Send it to the Cajun.  
  
A problem so big that you don't know where to send it? STRAIGHT TO ME! Sigh.  
  
DAY 1  
  
(Writing from dog house, hiding from the Rabid Fangirls that you say are my pupils.)  
  
I was trying to sneak away from the students and their questions, but got caught. Damn. I turned around to the brat that had been chasing me down the whole damn long corridor and bellowed:  
  
''CLASS IS OVER, BABY! ASK ME TOMORROW!''  
  
It turned out that the 'brat' was Jean. The punch she knocked me out with did not only give everyone a good laugh, but also helped me develop my muscles and bones: now my head can do the 360 degree twist. (Did Hulk teach her how to smack people like that or WHAT?)  
  
While I was still dizzy she informed me that there was a student at my 'office' (that rat hole where you keep me locked) and that she had to be punished for something that was so horrendous that not even Jean could forgive.  
  
Red seemed to have her in one of her lessons too and was rather fond of the brat (Scott wasn't and thought that she deserved highest punishment- just that fact gave the tadpole a good excuse for me to forgive her). She was telling me what she had done and I remember nodding, but I didn't hear a word she had said... I was trying to make my ears stop beeping. Red has a hard right.  
  
So basically, I crawled into my office to see the brat-err ,lovely princess, and inflict on her the punishment deserved. I faced one of my biggest terrors:  
  
Krazy Mulder.  
  
I mean Karen. Ahem. Krazy is the nickname she's being called by Emma's prissy and bitchy students (Get them off mine before I teach my girls how to kick some ass, Bald. And that's a warning.). Anyway.  
  
I am sure you have seen her profile. She is in Detention Room almost every day. Someone in her family works for the FBI or something. Yeah, that pretty ,otaku-eyed, hellover long haired brat. I asked her once what she did with so much hair and she answered 'I could ask you the same, you know'. Smart cookie.  
  
For short: brown hair, brown eyes. Swears even more than I do. And really loud. Ahem. She was sitting there looking all innocent fluttering her long eye-lashes at me. As if that'd work.  
  
''What did you do this time, Karen?''  
  
''You tell me. I was just defending my rights.''  
  
''Huh?'' Sorry, I couldn't come up with anything smarter that moment.  
  
She sighed and looked at me as if I were a retarded for a second, then she seemed to understand that I REALLY didn't know what the shit that all was about and pouted.  
  
''Well, you know I am always speaking about the paranormal. And you also know that none believes me.'' I have been to Heaven when I died but came back. Twice. I was God's Messenger or something like that in that thing with that Gehenna jigsaw stone. I have seen Shi'ar princess Lilandra. And I'm sure I've seen aliens. (Maybe I was drunk that night?)  
  
Just WHO in here doesn't believe you, brat???  
  
''Who tried to tell you to believe otherwise?''  
  
''Joseph.''  
  
''Joseph? That prissy Magneto clone with medusa hair that's so damn gay?''  
  
''Wheee, you described him perfectly.''  
  
''And what exactly did you do to him?'' I had been planning on getting him in a mess myself, but I could never find something that was cool and not too harmful at the same time.  
  
''I shaved his hair off.''  
  
''WOAH!'' It was the best I could come up with. Again. These students are really affecting my brain, you know. I start speaking like them.  
  
''Yeah, I know. This morning he went ballistic. But after fainting and getting over it, he made Jean track the responsible down... and found me. Which was shit.''  
  
''Tell me about it.'' It was always shit when someone caught you about to do something really brilliant and evil. But it was even worse when you couldn't even enjoy your success.  
  
Karen shrugged and looked back at the door. She knew Jean was there, I knew it too. By now she was probably having a good laugh at both of us. I asked a student later and I found out that when she first saw Joseph she was laughing to tears and Scott had to drag her away before she went blue and gave up the ghost.  
  
And now there she was again laughing her ass off. Had the urgency to toss myself out the window.  
  
''Karen, you can go.''  
  
''Fukkit! Can I?'' Her eyes were big as tennis balls. She could just not believe it.  
  
''Yes. Don't swear on your way out. And don't do it again... without me.'' I grinned. ''We'll talk about ethics some other day.''  
  
She happily trotted out the room with a wide grin for me. Am I the only one in the team that feels paternal towards this bunch of kiddos? Cause sometimes it damn looks like it!!!  
  
Oh, well. I had just saved that hazardous period- err... little angel from Scott's clutches. Mwahahaha. I would change my code name to Wonder Tutor one day. Go me!  
  
I didn't feel that well when Jean entered the room with a stunned, angry look, though.  
  
''I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T EVEN FAKE A PUNISHMENT! YOU'RE FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE! WHAT DO I TELL XAVIER NOW???''  
  
Shit, had Red just said the F word???  
  
Resisted the urge to toss myself out the window a bit earlier, but I see there was no need to. Jean grabbed me by the ear and Phoenixed me out a fifth floor.  
  
I just realized the playground flood is very hard.  
  
OUCH! 


	2. Crushes and Crashes

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. Being as quick as I am updating (sometimes :P) I will post here the two problems that our favorite tutor has. If there are not many reviews... then I will keep torturing him with the characters I have. Mwahahaha. ;)  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
XAVIER'S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS  
  
TUTOR DOCUMENTS  
  
TUTORIAL DIARIES OF: LOGAN, Logan  
  
DAY 2  
  
I really don't know how you managed this time, Chuck. This time it was not even a problematic kid. It was two! TWO! I make you know that I will need therapy when the term is over if things keep going like this. I will seriously lose it if all my pupils are as mentally unstable as these ones.  
  
And for the last time: Keep Emma's trained bitches away from my girls. If Mulder girl chopped a piece of blonde hair off from Marigold Adams... she was looking for it. (And if someone mentions fetish with hair, heads will roll. IS THAT CLEAR ,SCOTT???)  
  
PUPIL: JEKYLL, Théa  
  
(Writing from the basement office... again. If you keep me in the basement any longer I will go X Files crazy- I think that dude in the series went mad because of being locked- and I will hang an 'I WANT TO BELIEVE' poster with the pic of an UFO.)  
  
I sat bored like hell in my office again when Scott knocked on the door. I was about to yell 'None in here if you are Scott' but it was too late for that... since Jean was watching me again. Since I let go that freak Karen she'd be watching me ALL THE TIME.  
  
''Come in.'' I said, desperately. ''In the last 24 hours someone had shaver Joseph's head. That meant that the kids would have quite a laugh for the next month. Didn't they ever give it a rest or what?  
  
''I have someone who wants to talk to you.''  
  
Big surprise, you know, when you think I am their tutor.  
  
I sighed and banged my head against the table. Repeatedly. When I lifted my eyes Scott stood there with a funny look. I should have had a photo camera near. He was probably thinking I'd finally gone wacko and he and Xavier'd have an excuse to kick my hairy butt out of the school staff.  
  
Keep trying pretty boy.  
  
''What?'' I say, pretending not to know what his look was about.  
  
''...'' He hesitates if he should take off now he still can or give me the damn news. ''Jekyll is here to see you.''  
  
I see the girl come in with shiny eyes. Scott slams the door behind him. (Fearing for his life?) The kiddo, Théa, sits in the chair in front of mine. She has an innocent look... and I really think that she hasn't done anything and that Scott got her here just to piss me off.  
  
''Ok... what did you do?'' I ask. I almost fear the answer. Actually, I DO fear the answer.  
  
''Nothing.''  
  
Ok, good try. But good girls are not dragged to my office by Scott. Actually, good girls are Scott's pupils, to start with. I will not repeat the question, I will not push it. I will just stare like an owl...  
  
''I didn't mean to!'' She bursts out. Mwahaha, I am the best! Yay!  
  
''Come on, Théa, what did you do?''  
  
Now I recall, isn't Théa friends with Krazy Mulder? I will have to check it later. Maybe getting in trouble is a disease they pass from one to another?  
  
''Well... there was this girl...''  
  
A pupil from Emma. I can almost see it.  
  
''... a pupil from Emma...'' Am I good or what? ''and she was being mean to us. So we decided to defend ourselves...''  
  
''Define 'defend', please.'' I say, thinking that I know where all of this was going.  
  
''Ok...'' She swallows hard. ''I was trying to get the off me when they surrounded me... and well, since I was on my own then and Karen was busy at the other side of the corridor, I could neither run or cry for help.''  
  
''Understood up to there.''  
  
''So when one of them rushed towards me, instead of getting out of her way or whacking her over the head...''  
  
''Yeah?'' Uh-oh.  
  
''I slipped and held onto her trousers to remain on my feet.'' Shit! That was the best excuse I have ever heard for undressing someone. (Would Scott believe that? ... Or would he whoop my ass?) Planning to find out.  
  
''So you basically broke her trousers?''  
  
''I ripped her trousers ...'' Tense silence. Bad sign. I have to hold myself before I laugh. ''... up to her ankle. And what was worse, along with the trousers I had grabbed her thong. So you can see it was quite a show.''  
  
Ok, let's keep calm. I rise from my seat and swallow hard, I know I look as if I am at the border of asphyxia, but I have to hold on.  
  
''I will explain to Emma that it was an accident.''  
  
''Wow, thank you. I thought she'd kill me.'' She says with a smile. Ok... this one is not like Karen. This one has a crush on me. She flutters her eyelashes and waits for me to smile back at her. Something tells me she'll get into more trouble just to be able to sneak into here again...  
  
When she leaves I wait. One, two, three seconds... far enough from me to not hear the howl of laughter. I will have to ask later if someone has the tape from the security camera. Damn, that must have been a good one...  
  
Jean enters just as I try to bite my lower lip to suppress the laugh. Emma will be sooooooooooo mad. Her 'crème de la crème' students are her biggest pride. Just thinking about that makes me want to giggle even more.  
  
''You just let ANOTHER one go without punishment???''  
  
Shit, I kinda forget that girls come here to get extra work! Ooops?  
  
But before I can explain her about what happened, she's already tossed me out the window. Again. Up, up... and down.  
  
OUCH!  
  
(LATER THAT DAY)  
  
(Writing from the basement again with ice on my ass. That's where I landed this time. Already found an 'I WANT TO BELIEVE POSTER' and I hung it where everyone can see it. I am sure Scott will love the proof that I'm completely nuts.)  
  
PUPIL: FAIRCHILD, Devi  
  
Wait, didn't Devi mean goddess in don't-know-what language? Hmm... I will have to ask Jean later. (If she's gotten over the temper tantrum already.)  
  
This time there is no need for anyone to drag the student inside. Actually, she comes on her own rushing and closing the door behind her as if she'd been chased by the devil. Maybe...who knows?  
  
''Hellowhatsup?!'' She says, and sits down.  
  
I notice that she is fidgeting with her hands, playing with a ring she wears and gazing around frantically.  
  
''Ohniceposter.'' She says. Before I can say 'thank you' she is already looking at it from very close: two inches, to be exact.  
  
''Devi...'' I start thinking that Devi means Goddess of Hyperness because right now that's how she behaves. ''Would you please sit down and answer my question?''  
  
''Surewhatquestion?'' She bonks into the chair and stares at me for one second... then looks up at the ceiling.  
  
''Devi. WHY are you so hyper?''  
  
''Thatsadamngoodquestion.'' She answers, then notices what she is doing and tries to calm down. ''Well... you'll see. We were all together at lunch time, and we noticed that the coffee machine had been left open. I had a math test the next hour and wanted to be awake enough to pass.''  
  
''A cup of coffee affects you like that?''  
  
''More like... the whole tank.''  
  
FUKKIT!  
  
'' But I hadn't done anything yet, then.'' Apart from drinking about a pool of coffee... no, nothing. ''The problem came when I exited the test room.'' Uh oh. ''My friends had gotten me a huge ice-cream bowl and I swallowed it down at once... and that left me with a big empty bowl that I had to drop somewhere before my next lesson that was in five minutes.''  
  
''And?''  
  
''And...'' And I know this is the bad part because she goes red. ''And I didn't know where I was going or what it was, but I just saw something that would hold the bowl upside down and it fitted... so I dropped it there.''  
  
''What was it?''  
  
''The Professor's head.''  
  
My eyes go wide as saucers and for a moment I think that if I don't laugh I will burst. But I don't. There is only one question in my mind right now.  
  
''When did that happen?''  
  
''About half a minute ago.'' That's all the answer I need. I head upstairs as if possessed with a photo camera in my hand and take the picture of the situation (with all the kids laughing included).  
  
Devi had rushed behind me and she looks at me oddly.  
  
''Go to your class, rush.'' I order, and she does so stifling a laugh.  
  
And that's when I see Jean. In front of me. With her fist ready...  
  
Uh-oh...  
  
OUCH! 


End file.
